You’ve put in the hard hours, lingered around the Rutherford Library or the Engineering buildings, and finally met someone exciting, someone who might possibly be The One… The One who makes talk of the weather seem fascinating, The One who gilds the ordinary moments of your days, The One who will walk with you through the dangerous places in your heart, and blah blah blah.
Early in a relationship, it is easy and even delightful to selflessly sacrifice, but is it wise? When things have just begun, competition is often fierce to see who can be more attentive to the needs of the other, and everyone wins! Some part of me thinks that it might be smarter to do things exactly the opposite way: commit to a general selfishness early in the relationship and seek your own happiness first. (I know, this flies in the face of everything you’ve learned in YM (or Brio) or GQ (or Breakaway), but bear with me.) Being committed to your own happiness means that you are doing the things that you really enjoy, telling the jokes that you really think are funny, watching the movies you really like; in short, being the person who you really are. If your intended doesn’t like that person, you are early enough into the relationship to cast them back into that wide sea filled with many fishes, and “no harm done.” If they do like the person you are, then the long term health of your relationship will not rest on maintaining a persona or an alter ego.
Of course, at the same time, it seems intuitive that selfishness and relationship run always in opposition. This leads us to question of the week: Early in a relationship, is it wise to be self-sacrificing, or does a long term relationship grow more easily when fertilized with selfishness?
8 comments:
Is it your intention to suggest that one cannot be himself and at the same time be self-sacrificing? Perhaps the goal is to achieve a state of mutual self-sacrifice. My sacrifice would ensure your "selfish" needs (or favorite movie, as the case may be) are met, and your sacrifice would ensure that I get to watch my favorite. Everybody wins.
That's an excellent question. My knee-jerk reaction is that we ought always to strive to be selfless, in or out of romantic relationships. I've come to think of love (or what we commonly call love - that which makes it easy to sacrifice for that special someone) as sort of training for selflessness in general. If you can learn how to sacrifice for the object of your affection, at least you'll know what to strive for in relationships with other people, or in that same relationship when selflessness inevitably becomes difficult.
I think what is required is prudence, in addition to selflessness. Yes, we ought always to be selfless (to the best of our abilities) but this does not mean catering to other's every whim at every moment. Knowing that dating is in part a test of marriage compatability, we ought to be ourselves as much as possible, meaning we tell the jokes we like, watch the movies we like, etc. (and allow the other person to do the same) because we know that it would do the other person no favors to decieving them about our personalities and tastes. But if the question is "ought I to do what is right or what will give her the most accurate view of my selfish character", the answer (I think) is to do what is right. And then to try (as we always ought to try) to better ourselves so that what is right becomes what is typical for us.
I guess my answer is that it is wise to be as considerate of other people as possible whether they be prospective mates or not, but that in this case, being considerate will mean doing your best to present them with an accurate view of your interests, peronality, and weaknesses as possible. (This will probably require a lot of communication, and not a lot of intentionally being a jerk.) I guess this isn't an answer so much as my perspective on the question. In practice, it probably comes down to a judgement call.
i agree with your post. be yourself, but remebering that this is a relationship and there are two peoples needs involved. and don't be yourself to such a degree so obnoxiously so as to redirect the affections of the One. You can't live a lie the whole time your together (which, if all goes as planned, is forever). But like jacob said, striving to become selfless and loving (which are kind of the same, i think) is something we should always be doing, in or out of a relationship.
balance
hey jonas, what's your own personal take?
David;
I'm not supposed to have to give my take; I give the question, you give the answer. But I have always had a soft spot for you David, and I don't want to leave you hanging with no wisdom at all.
I am reminded of the wisdom of the sage who said "Be yourself, unless you are a jerk, in which case, be someone else."
But seriously, I think that sometimes selflessness can be selfish. Sometimes, we want so badly to be precious to someone that we sacrifice our true feelings, repress our opinions and suck in our guts, and find ourselves uncomfortable, and, in many cases, still alone (even if The One chooses to love the persona you have created, it isn't you that they love, but the idealized, photoshop perfect, spit and polish you -- a person that does not really exist). I would not advocate putting yourself first in relationships. But I would advocate enough selfishness to pre-empt the false selflessness that makes so many relationships a union between two perfect people who (of course) do not exist.
thanks jonas, at least you always sound like you've got the right answer. take care,
I think that if the person has to consider being self-sacrificing then they are not naturally inclined that way. In that case the person should not 'pretend' to be so as that is deceiving to any potential partner. This question will usually only be considered by someone who is naturally self-sacrificing, as they are worried about being taken advantage of. In that case be who you are for if they interested party takes advantage of you then you will then know their true colours.
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