Devotional thot 5

I locked my keys in the car, and so I had to stand outside for probably an hour in the cold. Painful. And so I waited, and after I had waited, grudgingly and not sure why, I prayed. I had no other options at that point, and nothing else to do. And truthfully, I did not expect anyone to come. As I stood in the parking lot, cold and wet, I thought that maybe God was punishing me for my unwillingness to abandon myself to him first – “why am I always a last resort?” But does God punish like that?

Too often I ascribe motivation: God let this happen, or caused it – because he wants to teach me… or wants me to learn… or is blessing me. But I don't know what to the point is, we worship God with all that is in us at all times because we do not understand how he means to bless us. Call it a gracious non-cognitivism. We do not evaluate or ascribe value to the goodness of God; we trust in what we do not know. It is that simple: it is not very clear.

Let me try again… I want God to be immediately present to me. I want to rely on the closeness of his spirit. But God does not reveal himself. I am desperate to know, to be led by the hand, to feel the comfort and reassurance of a lover in the presence of his beloved. But God does not do that. I want clear answers, a quiet, steady life, prosperity, wisdom; God asks, “Do you love me more than these?”

Though I want to believe with all my heart, I do not know if I will ever find this sort of abundant life: the easy, unquestioning love that my peers have for the unseen God. Some days, as though from a long ways off, I see what seems to be evidence, but I never touch it, and then I suffer because I don't want the peace that passes understanding. I want to understand.