David;
I hope that you are right. I hope that I am not the only one waiting to find an easy love for God.
It feels to me, when I sit in church, as if I am all by myself, as if I am the only person who is baffled and stymied by God. I watch everyone else sing the songs, but I cannot sing along: there are so few songs that resonate. (I am not claiming that worship songs fall short because they are all stupid and kitschy, though some are. Sometimes the true sentiments of a good song fail to take root because the words fall like seeds on a rocky pathway.)
I hear someone sing, “Your love is all that gets me through, all I need on this earth is you.” Suddenly, I am desperate and tired. I hear those words, this sentiment of confident love, and I want to sit down with my head in my hands. Sometimes, after my despair, I lift my head with a new determination, ready to pursue God with the force of my whole will. Sometimes I want to abandon even the pretense of halfhearted pursuit, and never sing any of these songs, or see any of the people ever again for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I feel encouraged and comforted, and am convinced that this is a good place for me, and I know what peace feels like. Sometimes, I want to laugh at the absurdity of it all. I am not sure what the appropriate response is.
As I look at the people around me, singing the songs, their eyes closed, their hands raised, I don’t see any confusion. Our church services avoid drawing attention to confusion, or failings; we scarcely even acknowledge them; I am not sure why this is. I like the penitential songs, the songs that are admissions of our weaknesses and of our foolish allegiances. I like admitting “I have not loved you with my whole heart, I have not loved my neighbor as myself. I am truly sorry, and I humbly repent.”
I hate the songs that are confident, the “I will not be shaken” songs. It is one thing to claim that “when the nations crumble, the word of the Lord will stand”; it is an entirely different thing to claim that “I will not be shaken, I will not be moved.” You know what? I am going to be shaken; I am prone to wander. If my salvation is vouchsafed by my ability to hold onto Christ, I am lost. I am not making a theological point, I am just telling you about the reality of my life. I am too lazy, too rotten, too stubborn, too skeptical… If it is up to me, I am not going to make it.
When I sit in the church and we sing our songs, I am often confused and often angry. I don’t understand what we are singing about. I wonder, David, if everyone else feels the same way I do, or if they are genuinely moved, genuinely responding to a sentiment that makes no sense to me. In my last post, I wished that I were one of the people who love God easily, with confidence, without remorse. There must be such people out there, else who is writing our worship choruses? I wanted to say two things: I don’t feel that way, and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I don’t understand – God doesn’t promise understanding, he promises peace that passes understanding. I face a choice, on every Sunday. I can choose to know, or I can choose to trust. Trust isn’t easy, but, for me at least, knowledge isn’t nearly enough.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Devotional thot 5
I locked my keys in the car, and so I had to stand outside for probably an hour in the cold. Painful. And so I waited, and after I had waited, grudgingly and not sure why, I prayed. I had no other options at that point, and nothing else to do. And truthfully, I did not expect anyone to come. As I stood in the parking lot, cold and wet, I thought that maybe God was punishing me for my unwillingness to abandon myself to him first – “why am I always a last resort?” But does God punish like that?
Too often I ascribe motivation: God let this happen, or caused it – because he wants to teach me… or wants me to learn… or is blessing me. But I don't know what to the point is, we worship God with all that is in us at all times because we do not understand how he means to bless us. Call it a gracious non-cognitivism. We do not evaluate or ascribe value to the goodness of God; we trust in what we do not know. It is that simple: it is not very clear.
Let me try again… I want God to be immediately present to me. I want to rely on the closeness of his spirit. But God does not reveal himself. I am desperate to know, to be led by the hand, to feel the comfort and reassurance of a lover in the presence of his beloved. But God does not do that. I want clear answers, a quiet, steady life, prosperity, wisdom; God asks, “Do you love me more than these?”
Though I want to believe with all my heart, I do not know if I will ever find this sort of abundant life: the easy, unquestioning love that my peers have for the unseen God. Some days, as though from a long ways off, I see what seems to be evidence, but I never touch it, and then I suffer because I don't want the peace that passes understanding. I want to understand.
Too often I ascribe motivation: God let this happen, or caused it – because he wants to teach me… or wants me to learn… or is blessing me. But I don't know what to the point is, we worship God with all that is in us at all times because we do not understand how he means to bless us. Call it a gracious non-cognitivism. We do not evaluate or ascribe value to the goodness of God; we trust in what we do not know. It is that simple: it is not very clear.
Let me try again… I want God to be immediately present to me. I want to rely on the closeness of his spirit. But God does not reveal himself. I am desperate to know, to be led by the hand, to feel the comfort and reassurance of a lover in the presence of his beloved. But God does not do that. I want clear answers, a quiet, steady life, prosperity, wisdom; God asks, “Do you love me more than these?”
Though I want to believe with all my heart, I do not know if I will ever find this sort of abundant life: the easy, unquestioning love that my peers have for the unseen God. Some days, as though from a long ways off, I see what seems to be evidence, but I never touch it, and then I suffer because I don't want the peace that passes understanding. I want to understand.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
devotional thot 4
I read this week about a sociological study conducted at Princeton Theological Seminary in which seminarians were asked to prepare a brief talk on a Biblical subject, and present it at a nearby building on campus. As they walked across campus to deliver their talk, the budding theologians encountered an actor, slumped in an alley, head down, eyes closed, coughing and groaning, obviously injured and in need of help. The researchers wanted to know what factors would predict who would stop and offer assistance. Would it matter if the students had entered seminary because they wanted to help people? Did it matter what topic the students were asked to speak about? How much of an impact would it make if the students were late for their speaking engagement?
The researchers gave the students a brief questionnaire about why they chose to attend seminary. Was their interest in theology merely academic, or did they intend to use their education to make other people’s lives better? It turned out that it did not make any difference: the academics stopped to help just as often as the altruists. The researchers also wondered if it would make any difference if the students were asked to speak about the parable of the Good Samaritan as opposed to some other parable. They found that that did not make any difference either: the people who were on their way to speak about the Good Samaritan were no more likely to stop to offer help. In fact, the experiment showed that the only factor that made a difference was the student’s schedule. “The only thing that really mattered was whether the student was in a rush. Of the group that was, 10 percent stopped to help. Of the group who knew they had a few minutes to spare, 63 percent stopped.” (The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell, p. 165)
I thought about this a lot, about theologians rushing past an injured man to give a talk about how important it is to help those in need. I thought about students who were so sure that their talk was very important, hurrying, maybe worrying that they were not properly prepared to talk about love, and your fellow man. I thought about how theology really isn’t all that important unless it touches our hearts, unless it really changes us. And more often than anything, I remembered that the sermon is not nearly as important as the person you walk past on the way to the church service.
The researchers gave the students a brief questionnaire about why they chose to attend seminary. Was their interest in theology merely academic, or did they intend to use their education to make other people’s lives better? It turned out that it did not make any difference: the academics stopped to help just as often as the altruists. The researchers also wondered if it would make any difference if the students were asked to speak about the parable of the Good Samaritan as opposed to some other parable. They found that that did not make any difference either: the people who were on their way to speak about the Good Samaritan were no more likely to stop to offer help. In fact, the experiment showed that the only factor that made a difference was the student’s schedule. “The only thing that really mattered was whether the student was in a rush. Of the group that was, 10 percent stopped to help. Of the group who knew they had a few minutes to spare, 63 percent stopped.” (The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell, p. 165)
I thought about this a lot, about theologians rushing past an injured man to give a talk about how important it is to help those in need. I thought about students who were so sure that their talk was very important, hurrying, maybe worrying that they were not properly prepared to talk about love, and your fellow man. I thought about how theology really isn’t all that important unless it touches our hearts, unless it really changes us. And more often than anything, I remembered that the sermon is not nearly as important as the person you walk past on the way to the church service.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Question of the Week 4
My friend Braden is very intelligent, socially adept, and talented in a variety of ways. Last week, he sent me an e-mail informing me that in the coming weeks, Hotmail would begin charging its clients for access to their free web based e-mail service. It is not the first time that I have gotten this particular e-mail, and so it was not the first time I have been annoyed and frustrated by it. I confess, on a number of levels, I don’t understand. This experience forms the basis of my question of the week, which, in order to make up for last weeks dereliction, will actually be a series of questions, any one of which could, I think, be answered with some variation on “People are dumb.”
1. Why did Braden send this to me? He is, as I said, very intelligent; prior to this unfortunate incident, I would have said that he is one of the most intelligent people I know. I have to suspect that if he had brought even a small portion of his intellect to bear on this issue, he would have realized that this is ridiculous. Did he think, “Oh no! This is such bad news! I have to warn my friends!” Or did he just read the first line, the part where it says “Forward this to everyone in your address book!” and then skip the rest?
2. Can he have read the whole thing, and think that it is true?
3. Is it possible that this is the first time he has been told that everything is changing at Hotmail? I have received this message probably a dozen times. It has never been true before… Maybe Braden suspects that, this time, they’re not just crying “Hotmailischarging”? (Crying “wolf!” is much more rousing and poetic, but in this case, a little too figurative.)
4. Why would Hotmail charge for its service? Wouldn’t they be worried that people would switch to one of the myriad competing (and vastly superior) services rather than pay a fee for turdmail?
5. If Hotmail were going to charge us, why would they care that we forwarded the message to our whole address book? What benefit is there for Hotmail in annoying me? (though I admit, being annoying does seem to be a part of the business plan over at Hotmail.) What would motivate Hotmail to say “We will reward you for presenting our future clientele with a way to prevent us from charging them”? That’s stupid, right?
6. I confess, I can understand what happened to Braden: he figured he had nothing to lose, and there was the possibility of some advantage. He didn’t think about it too hard, he just sent the message on; it took two seconds... why not? What I really cannot fathom is the person who started this rumor. Why would anyone do that? Was he just sitting in his basement, thinking, “I know what would be cool! I’ll tell people that Hotmail is charging, and everyone will believe me! It will be soooooo funny, and when I tell them that they have all been had, we will all laugh, and many years from now, when our grandchildren’s grandchildren are all grown, we will reminisce about how I once deceived them in such a humorous way!” I can understand starting a rumor about Tom Cruise’s deteriorating mental health – that is a funny topic (or would be if he weren’t poisoning the lovely Joey Potter with his craziness (Katie, if you’re reading this, I understand, I forgive you, and we can work this out.)). But why would you start a rumor like this? Where is the punchline? Is this more of that ‘dry wit’ the British are famous for? Either way, I do not understand.
7. Why does this bother me so much?
1. Why did Braden send this to me? He is, as I said, very intelligent; prior to this unfortunate incident, I would have said that he is one of the most intelligent people I know. I have to suspect that if he had brought even a small portion of his intellect to bear on this issue, he would have realized that this is ridiculous. Did he think, “Oh no! This is such bad news! I have to warn my friends!” Or did he just read the first line, the part where it says “Forward this to everyone in your address book!” and then skip the rest?
2. Can he have read the whole thing, and think that it is true?
3. Is it possible that this is the first time he has been told that everything is changing at Hotmail? I have received this message probably a dozen times. It has never been true before… Maybe Braden suspects that, this time, they’re not just crying “Hotmailischarging”? (Crying “wolf!” is much more rousing and poetic, but in this case, a little too figurative.)
4. Why would Hotmail charge for its service? Wouldn’t they be worried that people would switch to one of the myriad competing (and vastly superior) services rather than pay a fee for turdmail?
5. If Hotmail were going to charge us, why would they care that we forwarded the message to our whole address book? What benefit is there for Hotmail in annoying me? (though I admit, being annoying does seem to be a part of the business plan over at Hotmail.) What would motivate Hotmail to say “We will reward you for presenting our future clientele with a way to prevent us from charging them”? That’s stupid, right?
6. I confess, I can understand what happened to Braden: he figured he had nothing to lose, and there was the possibility of some advantage. He didn’t think about it too hard, he just sent the message on; it took two seconds... why not? What I really cannot fathom is the person who started this rumor. Why would anyone do that? Was he just sitting in his basement, thinking, “I know what would be cool! I’ll tell people that Hotmail is charging, and everyone will believe me! It will be soooooo funny, and when I tell them that they have all been had, we will all laugh, and many years from now, when our grandchildren’s grandchildren are all grown, we will reminisce about how I once deceived them in such a humorous way!” I can understand starting a rumor about Tom Cruise’s deteriorating mental health – that is a funny topic (or would be if he weren’t poisoning the lovely Joey Potter with his craziness (Katie, if you’re reading this, I understand, I forgive you, and we can work this out.)). But why would you start a rumor like this? Where is the punchline? Is this more of that ‘dry wit’ the British are famous for? Either way, I do not understand.
7. Why does this bother me so much?
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Devotional Thot 3
This last week, I was in charge of introducing the topic in the first service, and that meant that I didn't need the accountability afforded by the internet. I also didn't want to post my devotional thought and spoil it for the hoardes who are regulars of both Crapilano and the casuist... In either case, here is the belated post. It is longer than a standard devotional thot. It might even be more properly considered a "thought."
There is a grave temptation, when you are asked to be the speaker, to search for something profound, something new, a realization that no one else has ever made; the communion service is not the place for theological prognostications, it is a place for being reminded of what we already know. It is a place where we renew our confidence and hear the same story, the old story, of sinners ransomed from the fall. I am tempted to find something post-modern and intellectually rigorous to say, and all week I was disappointed, a little Jonah perhaps, knowing that I would end up talking about God’s love. God’s love! As I got closer to the moment when I would speak, I remembered that there is nothing ordinary or infantile about the realization that we are loved by God – it is (at best) an implausible message that has become routine and predictable in the retelling. It is good to be reminded that we are gathered at this table because God loves us. Perhaps it is a vestige of my upbringing; somehow I still believe that anything worth saying is worth saying in three points.
1. God’s call is personal: God’s call competes for our ear with so much noise. All around us are advertisements, subtle and not so subtle, that offer satisfaction. “Snickers really satisfies you.” Imagine my disappointment when I learned that snickers is a kind of chocolate bar! So many things clamor for my attention, so many temptations and distractions and promises, but God knows my name. God is seeking me. God knows us; has known us since before the foundation of the earth, and still loves us. I admit I cannot understand why. I am here because God loves me.
2. Without love, the rest doesn’t really matter. We’ve been taught since birth, and rightly so, that it is faith alone that saves us. But if we only believe, if we do not love God and the people around us, then what will distinguish our faith from the faith that James describes in the second chapter of his epistle? “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that – and shudder.” (James 2:19) James goes on to tell us exactly what he means, a message that is summed up by Paul in Galatians 5 verse 6: “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Faith is more than mere intellectual assent. It’s more than just believing the things, or committing to memory the right principles. Faith does more than merely saying the right words. And this bring us to the final point…
3. Love is not, and cannot be merely our knowing God. It is larger than that. Since birth, I have been taught about God. I have learned about his history and covenant with the people of Israel; I have heard about his character; I can recite a list of truths about God and his ways without even really breaking a sweat. But I have been learning that this is not enough. Amazingly, it is not enough for me to know God. God loves me, and as hard as it is to believe, God wants to know me. In Galatians, Paul makes a special point of pointing this fact out when discusses the change that has come for those who formerly did not know God. Galatians 4:8 “Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God – or rather are known by God – how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles?” The point I want to stress is the same point that Paul stops to emphasize to the Galatians: they know God, and just as importantly, God knows them. I want to ask you to imagine sitting down with a friend, and asking him about his new marriage. He smiles, and gazes languidly into the middle distance, and, with great sighs and a visible affection, he holds forth. “She’s wonderful, man. She’s… she’s everything I ever wanted, and she’s a bunch of things I needed and never knew to ask for. She’s lovely, she’s kind to me, she smells wonderful, and I don’t think she knows the first thing about me. She buys me little gifts, and sometimes she sings when she first gets out of bed… and… yeah, the best part is, she doesn’t know me at all. Frankly, I don’t think she’s even interested to learn!” I don’t need to tell you, there is something misplaced in this relationship. It is tempting to be silent and secretive, particularly early in a relationship; if they don’t know the truth about your secrets and your flaws, maybe they won’t be able to gather enough evidence to leave you. I guess this is something akin to the wisdom of the sage who advised, “Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But a relationship is not possible without communication and knowledge in both directions. I have always been struck by the fact at what Jesus tells those who called “Lord, Lord” but did not do the will of the Father. (This is recorded in Matthew 7:21-23) “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers.’” It seems important, that Jesus says, not “You never knew me,” but “I never knew you.” I have struggled for years to admit my failings, the failings that I know he has seen, to God. But above all things, I want to be loved by God, and this is a part of that.
There is a grave temptation, when you are asked to be the speaker, to search for something profound, something new, a realization that no one else has ever made; the communion service is not the place for theological prognostications, it is a place for being reminded of what we already know. It is a place where we renew our confidence and hear the same story, the old story, of sinners ransomed from the fall. I am tempted to find something post-modern and intellectually rigorous to say, and all week I was disappointed, a little Jonah perhaps, knowing that I would end up talking about God’s love. God’s love! As I got closer to the moment when I would speak, I remembered that there is nothing ordinary or infantile about the realization that we are loved by God – it is (at best) an implausible message that has become routine and predictable in the retelling. It is good to be reminded that we are gathered at this table because God loves us. Perhaps it is a vestige of my upbringing; somehow I still believe that anything worth saying is worth saying in three points.
1. God’s call is personal: God’s call competes for our ear with so much noise. All around us are advertisements, subtle and not so subtle, that offer satisfaction. “Snickers really satisfies you.” Imagine my disappointment when I learned that snickers is a kind of chocolate bar! So many things clamor for my attention, so many temptations and distractions and promises, but God knows my name. God is seeking me. God knows us; has known us since before the foundation of the earth, and still loves us. I admit I cannot understand why. I am here because God loves me.
2. Without love, the rest doesn’t really matter. We’ve been taught since birth, and rightly so, that it is faith alone that saves us. But if we only believe, if we do not love God and the people around us, then what will distinguish our faith from the faith that James describes in the second chapter of his epistle? “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that – and shudder.” (James 2:19) James goes on to tell us exactly what he means, a message that is summed up by Paul in Galatians 5 verse 6: “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Faith is more than mere intellectual assent. It’s more than just believing the things, or committing to memory the right principles. Faith does more than merely saying the right words. And this bring us to the final point…
3. Love is not, and cannot be merely our knowing God. It is larger than that. Since birth, I have been taught about God. I have learned about his history and covenant with the people of Israel; I have heard about his character; I can recite a list of truths about God and his ways without even really breaking a sweat. But I have been learning that this is not enough. Amazingly, it is not enough for me to know God. God loves me, and as hard as it is to believe, God wants to know me. In Galatians, Paul makes a special point of pointing this fact out when discusses the change that has come for those who formerly did not know God. Galatians 4:8 “Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God – or rather are known by God – how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles?” The point I want to stress is the same point that Paul stops to emphasize to the Galatians: they know God, and just as importantly, God knows them. I want to ask you to imagine sitting down with a friend, and asking him about his new marriage. He smiles, and gazes languidly into the middle distance, and, with great sighs and a visible affection, he holds forth. “She’s wonderful, man. She’s… she’s everything I ever wanted, and she’s a bunch of things I needed and never knew to ask for. She’s lovely, she’s kind to me, she smells wonderful, and I don’t think she knows the first thing about me. She buys me little gifts, and sometimes she sings when she first gets out of bed… and… yeah, the best part is, she doesn’t know me at all. Frankly, I don’t think she’s even interested to learn!” I don’t need to tell you, there is something misplaced in this relationship. It is tempting to be silent and secretive, particularly early in a relationship; if they don’t know the truth about your secrets and your flaws, maybe they won’t be able to gather enough evidence to leave you. I guess this is something akin to the wisdom of the sage who advised, “Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But a relationship is not possible without communication and knowledge in both directions. I have always been struck by the fact at what Jesus tells those who called “Lord, Lord” but did not do the will of the Father. (This is recorded in Matthew 7:21-23) “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers.’” It seems important, that Jesus says, not “You never knew me,” but “I never knew you.” I have struggled for years to admit my failings, the failings that I know he has seen, to God. But above all things, I want to be loved by God, and this is a part of that.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Riddle me this, smart guy
It is strange how I can have so many questions floating about in my head and still cannot setlle on just one to post to my website every week... But I have settled on a question, and only because I know what my answer would be, if i were asked. So my question this week is:
"If you met a fortune teller, a medium, a psychic, a tea leaf reader, a clairvoyant... what would be the first question (that is, what is the most important question) that you would ask?"
"If you met a fortune teller, a medium, a psychic, a tea leaf reader, a clairvoyant... what would be the first question (that is, what is the most important question) that you would ask?"
Quote of the Week 3
"Pray to God for things you really need, not for things that you think God will think you're cool for wanting." ~ Craig Baldo
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